My day started off bad. For the first time since the world turned upside down, I'd managed to get to sleep before midnight, only to be woken up at 1am by a really stupid nurse! She just wanted to introduce herself. I just wanted to punch her in the face.
I finally fell asleep again after laying there for two hours, and woke again at 4am. Sleep seemed to be evading me. I decided to cut my loses and head down to check on Ellie.
There were no changes. She was still hooked up to all of her machines, the only new addition being a mitten covering her bruised and battered hand. I sat there until almost 8am, staring at her, holding her hand through the window, and wondering if that would be the only contact I'd ever be allowed.
When I went back to my room for breakfast the nurse came in and said I was being discharged that day. It wasn't too big of a deal, I'd only be moving across the road to Ronald Mcdonald House, but it still felt very wrong to be leaving the hospital without my baby with me.
Drew arrived and we went back to Ellie, where the paediatrician was in the process of taking her intubation tube out. We were both very excited, and our nurse (who's name I wish I could remember because she was wonderful) was just as excited.
I was allowed to change her nappy for the first time, and we were told we could take her out for a cuddle as soon as they had made sure she was stable. I couldn't wait. It had only been three days, but it felt like a lifetime.
We spoke with a different paediatrician that morning who was able to tell us that although her haemaglobins were still too low, the haemorrage would not have a lasting effect at all. She would need regular blood tests and probably another transfusion, but in terms of all that she was out of the woods. Her challange now was feeding.
While we were waiting for the all clear to hold her, Sarah from speach therapy came in to meet us. She explained that we would be seeing a lot of each other over the next few years, and gave us a quick overview of how to use the Habberman Feeder, just in case we wanted to try feeding over the weekend.
Finally, finally it was time for me to hold her in my arms. Being able to reach in and touch her had been good, but it was nothing compared to actually having the weight of her in my arms. I was nervous taking her from the nurse, but as soon as she was with me the whole world stopped. All I could do was smile and stroke her beautiful little face. I'm surprised I didn't cry. When I was pregnant I was so scared that she'd have to go straight to the nursery and I wouldn't be able to hold her until the next day. Never did I imagine it would actually be three days until I had that chance.
While I was holding her she was given her first feed of formula through a nasal gastric tube. It was only a tiny 9mls, but you could see how pleased she was to be getting it. Her little eyes rolled back in her head like a junkie getting a long awaited hit.
Drew also got to have a cuddle, and then it was time for us to leave again. Leaving her was so much harder after that. I just wanted to sit there all day with her in my arms, but I couldn't because mum, nan, Bec and Sophie were on their way and we had to go meet them.
First we went back to my room and collected my discharge papers and all of my stuff. Then Drew took me over to Ronald Mcdonald and helped me settle in. I was in awe of how well set up the house was, and how friendly the staff were.
We met everyone in the courtyard behind the carpark, and as soon as Sophie saw me she came running over and gave me a huge cuddle. It was amazing to see her again. I'd never been away from her for that long, and she seemed to have changed and grown so much in such a short time.
Visiting hours in the NICU didn't start for another hour, so everyone came back to Ronald Mcdonald House with us. We all sat in the rooftop garden and I pretended to be glad I was there. Don't get me wrong, it was lovely to have everyone around, but I just wanted to be with Ellie. I felt so guilty for leaving her there alone to go and have fun.
When the time came for everyone to go and meet Ellie, we headed back to the hospital. Only one visitor other than the parents were allowed at a time so we took it in turns taking people through. Sophie went in with Drew and the only thing she was worried about was the sore on Ellie's hand.
We all had dinner at Ronald Mcdonald, a barbeque on the roof. Again I sat there riddled with guilt and counting the seconds until I could get back to the hospital.
After dinner Drew took mum and nan back over to say goodbye to Ellie. Bec, Ash and Sophie were staying in a hotel for the night so they would have another chance to see her the next day. I stayed with Soph so we could have more time together before she had to leave again. She was being such a good girl, she really didn't seem to be affected by it at all.
We walked everyone back to their cars and said goodbye, and I told Drew I was going to pop in and say goodnight to Ellie. He said that they'd had to shave her head to put a drip in, and I freaked out. I needed to see my baby.
I raced over to the hospital, and got really frustrated with the stupid slow lift. Eventually a man came out with a bicycle, and he said hello, I just glared at him and stepped in. I was in a hurry, I didn't care if I was rude.
Upstairs in NICU I found my Ellie laying in her humidicrib, crying and screaming and being ignored. It broke my heart in to pieces to see her there so upset and not being picked up by anyone. And there was that drip sticking out of the side of her head.
It was all too much for me, and I couldn't stay. I ran out of the door and made it to the outside of the hospital before I sat down and let the tears come. I cried and cried, angry and upset by how much my baby was being put through. She was so little, it just wasn't fair that she had to deal with so much.
Drew found me after a little while and took me back to the house. Yet again I cried myself to sleep, dreaming of my baby screaming all night long.
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