It was the big day. The paediatrican had approved Ellie to try her first bottle feed, and the speach therapist was suposed to be meeting us in the nursery ready for the 9am feed. We were excited - finally making steps towards getting out of there again.
I went to the hospital early just because I was sick of sitting around the house. It was about 6am when I got there and the night nurse, Paul, had just given Ellie her feed. I cuddled her for a bit and then put her back so I could go grab some breakfast and coffee back at the house.
I'd been back for maybe 15 minutes when my phone rang. I recognised the number as the nursery and my heart dropped. What could possibly had gone wrong in such a short time? I was terrified answering that call. But it was only Paul. Apparently Ellie had been screaming at him ever since I left, and he was just wondering if maybe I could come back and try to settle her.
For the first time I really felt like her mum. As soon as I picked her up she was happy, and she laid in my arms sleeping peacefully for two hours. All she wanted was her mummy and I was more than happy to give up my coffee for that.
When Drew got to the hospital our day nurse, Nathan, said I should give Ellie her first bath while we waited for speach to arrive. Until then she had just been having sponge baths and quick wipe downs.
I was so nervous. I hate bathing newborns in those sinks they have at the hospital. I'm just not co-ordinated enough to hold her and wash her at the same time, which is why we have a moulded baby bath at home. I ran the water to the temperature I thought was right and popped her in, but she screamed her head off. Nathan came over and suggested I make it hotter, and just like that she was happy again.
Because the bath had taken so long, and because the speach therapist hadn't arrived, another nurse stuck her nose in and told Nathan to just give her a tube feed. I was annoyed, but could sort of see the sense - Ellie was upset so she probably wouldn't try to drink for us.
I had Nathan call speach and make sure they would be there for her 1pm feed, and we headed off again.
We had to find a Centrelink office and get her forms in, especially if we were going to be there for a long time. We were running out of money fast, and Drew couldn't take leave payments or he would forfeit the two weeks of paid leave from Centrelink.
Centrelink need to sort their systems out better. It's great that they now give dad's the chance to take two weeks off work to spend with their new family, but when the payment actually takes four to six weeks to come through it makes it tough to get through those two unpaid weeks.
Walking across the city reminded me that I was still in a fair bit of pain. Because it had felt like we'd been there forever I was having trouble remembering that it was only six days since my surgery, so I probably shouldn't have been walking the eight city blocks to and from Centrelink.
We made it back to the hospital just as Nathan was leaving for lunch. He reminded the bosy nurse from earlier that speach were meant to be coming, and asked her to call if they didn't show up. Nathan was one of our favourite nurses, along with Paul and the woman from the NICU who's name I can't remember. Those three people were like little lights in a dark journey, and you could just tell that they loved their jobs, loved helping the sick little babies get better.
At five minutes to one, the rude nurse came over with a tube feed. I said no, we were waiting for speach, and she very impaitently told me, "well if they were coming they'd be here. There's plenty of time for that anyway, we're in no hurry." I was dumbfounded. No hurry? She mightn't have been, but we certainly were. The sooner we were able to start bottle feeding, the sooner we would be able to take her home.
I had spent the whole morning waiting for the chance to feed my baby the way I should have been able to from the begining, and here was this woman who wasn't even assigned to us, wasn't even familiar with Ellie's case, telling us we just had to wait! I couldn't stay there because I was so wild, I had to get out of the hospital.
I went back to the house and had a lay down. I was exhusted from not sleeping of a night and being in pain, and pretty soon I was asleep. I had a horrible dream though and woke up screaming. In the dream the rude nurse was saying I couldn't see Ellie anymore. Drew, Bec, everyone else was allowed in, but I wasn't. No one could tell me why though. It had me so freaked out.
Once I was awake I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. I was terrified right up until I was sitting there holding her in my arms again. It's very strange to look back on this moment knowing what happened the next day.
When Ellie's next feed was due I stood my ground and pushed to try the bottle. When Sarah from speach had come in to meet us on Friday she had given us a quick demonstration on how to use the Habberman Feeder, and we'd both been practicing back at the house with water in the bottle. She had said she was happy for us to give it a go, so I really wanted to get started.
Another phone call to speech, just so the nurse could confirm it was alright, and finally I was handed the bottle. The nurse hovered around us which really annoyed me - I hate being watched when I'm learning something new.
It took a while for me to get the hang of how to hold it, but we managed to get 30mls of a 60ml feed in with the bottle before Ellie gave up. The rest of the feed was put through her feeding tube.
The tube feed went through too fast though, and within seconds I was wearing the largest projectile vomit I had ever seen in my life. I swear she spewed up more than she actually drank. It was ridiculous, but it also made me smile. You're not really a parent until your child has chucked on you!
We returned back to the hospital after dinner, and Drew managed to get 40mls in his first attempt with the bottle. Everyone was amazed with how well she was taking to it. Finally it seemed like things were going right, and we could see a little light at the end of the tunnel. It was a good day. Aside from the idiot nurse, it was the best day we'd had so far, and we were happy.
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